Food
For the first nine years of my life, our family didn't own a refrigerator when we lived in Quetzaltenango, Guatemala.
Our fruits, vegetables, and eggs sat on a counter until they were used, generally within a week after being bought at the open market directly from the farmers.
We stored dry goods like beans, corn, and rice in a cupboard. These generally came in 25 lb. sacks from a dry goods store or 100 lb. sacks from my maternal grandparents’ home. My grandfather grew corn, beans, and peanuts which he would generously share with us.
And we never had more than what we'd use each day when it came to animal protein, which was generally only consumed at lunch.
Sometimes during the week mother would go to the neighborhood store to get chicken to flavor lunch which generally consisted mostly of vegetables or cooked greens, rice or pasta, and some type of sauce we could sop up with the ever-present tortillas or tamalitos. Other times, we'd have chorizo, longanizas, or other sausages.
On weekends, our mother would go to the butcher. We'd have beef soup made from knee bones, and some stew meat. She'd also buy organ meats there like beef liver, kidneys, or heart. And if there was a celebration, she'd go to the seafood stall to get the ingredients for seafood soup.
Breakfast and dinner most often consisted of black beans, eggs, cheese or plantains, and tortillas or tamalitos. We'd drink atole made of ground-up grains, or a very liquid oatmeal made with a liter of raw milk delivered to our home daily by the milkman.
Our family was food insecure, although I didn't have that language to describe it at the time. Our father's government employee salary was paid once a month, as was his part-time college teaching job.
This created an issue given that his salaries weren't sufficient to support a family of 8, his weekend binge drinking, and a penchant for buying his drinks for others once he was inebriated.
I remember feast and famine cycles growing up. We were often reminded to eat when food was available, and not to complain when it wasn't abundant.
When we arrived in Las Cruces, New Mexico, we encountered a kitchen with an electric stove, a refrigerator, a kitchen sink with hot and cold water, and clothes washer hookups.
Our groceries were strategically acquired, as our dad had a scholarship stipend for a single student, not a family of 8.
The family would travel to Juarez, Mexico about once a month to buy food staples, prescriptions, and furniture we couldn't buy at yard sales like the two bunk beds for the 4 girls sharing one bedroom.
Our mother was guided to access WIC, the Women, Infant, and Children program that allowed us to have gallons of pasteurized milk, blocks of hard cheese, jars of peanut butter, fruit juice, and Kix or Cheerios.
The most surprising meal experience for me was when I found out there was a school cafeteria, where I could get breakfast and lunch by turning in a ticket, and making a line. At lunch, I even had the option to choose between white milk or chocolate milk. It was amazing to know I wouldn't go hungry.
When summer came, and school was out, we could still go to summer school, and get lunch. There was no breakfast, and the school bus didn't work. But it was worth it to walk the 1.2 miles to summer school to get a sack lunch.
Surprisingly, as an adult, living in Los Angeles, California, there are times when I actually have to remind myself that I will not go hungry, or that the comfort I’m seeking when in distress won't be found in food. Discerning what my body needs and wants takes effort, it doesn't feel natural.
The primal fear which I lived with for the first nine years of my life feels natural, which has an impact on my life to this day.
Unraveling the habits ingrained in a time of uncertainty, fear, and insecurity in the present takes acknowledging the feeling, taking time to feel the tension in my body, and breathing slowly to dissolve the feeling before eating. Otherwise, I wind up using food to try to comfort myself, eating beyond the amount it takes to satisfy physical hunger to a place of uncomfortable physical fullness or numbness.
And I'm grateful to have been able to access professional mental health support to make this occurrence happen less and less. My ability to cope with distress has increased as I've brought online healthier coping mechanisms, including removing myself from environments that aren't conducive to my well-being.
What food preferences or eating habits did you learn as a child?