Desire
I learned early on that my desires weren't to be acknowledged, accepted or acted upon unless they happened to align with what the person in the authority position also wanted. Even then, there was always uncertainty about whether the desire would actually matter, materialize, or be maintained if it did.
I desired to hold on to the quarter my maternal grandmother would place in my hand as our family boarded the 3:30 am bus for the 8 hours, 2 bus rides from her home back to Quetzaltenango. I always lost the quarter when I feel asleep and my hand released the bounty.
I desired blank shiny Mary Jane shoes. Instead I got black orthopedic lace up ankle booties before lace up ankle booties were cool.
I desired to play soccer with my brother and his friends, but instead I got to stay home and do housework because I was a girl.
I desired the metal rimmed glasses, but instead I got the plastic frames because the lenses were so thick, and the thinner version of the same lense power was double the price.
I learned to compromise my desires to go along with the rest of the people I was around, andI lost touch with what I actually desired.
My desires used to be at the surface when I was young. The older I got, I was clear on what was acceptable, what others wanted, what made sense for the group.
There's calm, support, and care in my life now.
I can witness my desires safely.
And it takes practice to unlearn the mental habits of shutting down or limiting desires to something “manageable”.
This prevents me from tapping into the creativity hidden where the desire leads.
I've been practicing getting in touch with my desires. And some show themselves more easily than others. My mind's ability to censor the desires as they surface is commendable. It keeps trying to keep us safe by keeping us in line with what the “rest” want because that's safe, in the middle of the pack.
Standing out hasn't served us in the past. And the mind conveniently forgets we're no longer living then. Gently reminding myself that I'm patiently unlearning as I'm expanding my horizons allows me to honor both the reticence to know my deepest desires, and the unfurling taking place on its own timing.
Are you in touch with your own desires?
I so love that little girl who is struggling to understand what is possible in her family and her society. I’m thankful that my choices growing up weren’t quite so stark. I feel sorry for people who have no controls on their desires and demands from life. How wonderful that you can how learn how to release your desires and creativity in such a positive and wonderful way.