Conventional

Daily writing experience - day 14

Conventional

Today’s writing group reflection prompt “what are you noticing?” created the space to have my past-self recognize to my present self that we now have undeniable proof that it is safe to write down the shameful stories we used to worry about others knowing, and we’re even sharing them.

Every night for the past two weeks I've sat down and written. 

After having dinner with Lanny, cleaning up the kitchen, and putting Sparky to sleep in his crate I've written, without shoes, and with my feet up on the chair in front of me.

I've put my right index finger to the Gboard on the iPhone 12 ProMax in dark mode to open the Google doc I'm fingering these words on.

I've shown up without duress.

I've allowed my finger to follow the words that have flowed.

I sip my cardamom black tea with cream.

I've sensed this is the best time for me to write.  

And what's missing is pressure, second guessing, and fear.

I know this writing is like the water that comes out when flushing a carbon water filter.  The instructions say something like “Flush for fifteen minutes. Visible carbon particles may appear. Discard that water.” 

The writing that's been flowing has the visible carbon in it.

And the water that will flow after doing the filter flush is refreshing and drinkable.

I celebrate the persistence I've had to find my path towards healing the injuries my mind received when I didn't know any better, couldn't do any better, and wasn't clear it could change.

I must acknowledge the patience, love and support of Leland aka “Lanny”, my loving husband of 12 years.  Our relationship has tested me in many ways to confront the relationship patterns I'd learned as a child.  And there's absolutely no way I'd be in this calm, clear, and comforting place if it wasn't for him.  He's the embodiment of care, support, and love.

And I couldn't see it clearly before the last several months.

January 2021

I'm feeling stuck in my life, most especially in my career.

I decided to reach out to an amazing teacher in the coaching school I was getting the education needed to achieve the Professional Certified Coach designation.  

She asked if I was willing to work with a coach. I said yes.  

She asked if I knew a coach who could help me. I said yes.

She asked me who this coach was. I said “you”

She then generously offered to coach me. I couldn't believe it. 

And after getting over myself, I agreed.

It didn't take her long to help me become aware that a lot of the issues I was distressed about centered around my husband.  As any good coach knows, coaching focuses on the present and how to move forward.  Psychological therapy is where you go to work on the past issues that are intruding into the present. She recommended I seek help from a couple's therapist.

Leland  agreed. He did the legwork to find the couple's therapist, and he made sure we were there every week for almost a year.

It didn't take long for our couple's therapist to recognize how much childhood trauma was in my past.  She recommended individual trauma therapy. And she gave me some names.

The Certified Gestalt Therapist I worked with every week for the last year was unlike any other therapy I've had… And I've tried others.

I must mention at this point how lucky I got to work with 3 women at the pinnacle of their professional experience with a deep well of wisdom.  Each one of these 3 wise women is past what we used to think of  retirement age.  I'm forever grateful they each are still serving their community.

This is the “conventional” part of my healing path.   I'll share the “alternative” part of my healing path another time.

Have you found support when needed?